How to Talk to Your Teen about Sexting

Many parents are unsure how to talk to a teen about the potential consequences and dangers of “sexting,” that is, using a cell phone or computer to send naked pictures or videos. Sexting is a growing phenomenon among teenagers (and sometimes even younger children). Many kids do not understand the potential harm in sending revealing pictures to friends or others. For many parents, approaching the topic of sexting is difficult, especially if it’s hard to believe a child would even be exposed to this.

The dangers of sexting are clear. The practice has become popular in a relatively short period of time and the reaction to the cultural explosion has been mixed, and sometimes extreme. In some cases, children who have been caught sexting have been charged under child pornography laws. In other cases, the teenage humiliation of enduring naked pictures being spread around has led to violence and suicide. Children who have access to a cell phone or computer must understand the consequences of what seems to them to be private and innocuous communication.

Talking about sexting with a child may be more challenging than talking about sex, drugs or any other difficult topic. Many times parents may be unaware of what sexting actually is and how prevalent it may be. As teenagers are generally more knowledgeable and savvy than adults about cell phones and computers, it adds an additional challenge for parents just to keep up with the latest technology and uses. And it’s certainly not something a child will be eager to discuss.

Just like with other difficult conversations, the time to talk with your child about sexting is way before you suspect he or she may be exposed to it. Many times a child will hear of someone else who has done it first and values can begin to be formed early as an outside observer. Or a child may be pulled into it unexpectedly, as perhaps it begins as an innocent cell phone or computer exchange, or private “joke,” and escalates from there. A child needs to hear the consequences of sexting, and be given the opportunity to process some feelings about it.

Using the “indirect” approach may be effective for the initial conversation. Citing a news story about sexting from TV, the Internet or the newspaper may be the best way to “break the ice.” Using this vicarious experience will allow both parent and child to comment on the story without “personalizing” it. Directly asking a child whether he or she has ever done this or know someone who has, only puts the child in a position to lie or get secretive (even subversive) with this topic and possibly others. The indirect approach will hopefully keep the lines of communication open.

If a child is ready to talk about sexting with a parent, then healthy active listening skills will help provide the safety for the child to process. Despite the surprise and confusion about this new phenomenon, a parent can accept what a child is saying (“everyone does it” or “it was supposed to be just her belly button”) without expressing judgement or disagreement. After a child has had the chance to emote without judgement, then a parent can begin to explain consequences of sexting, perhaps again using indirect examples to help explain. Ultimately, loss of cell phone or computer privileges may need to be discussed, as a consequence of misuse.

Parents should learn about sexting (try Googling it, for example) and then devise a plan to talk about it. Provide the information early to a child; that way, there’s a much better chance of seeing responsible behavior.

Giving Children Time-outs

Time outs for children have become an extremely common “imposed consequence” for just about any and every misbehavior from a child. Many times, however, a time-out for a child is used inappropriately by parents. An inappropriate, less healthy, use of the “time-out” for children is a form of punishment that intends to shame, blame, and/or emotionally banish a child.

Some examples of less than healthy time-outs for children:

“Young lady, you sit in the corner and think about how badly you’ve behaved.” “Because you behaved so badly, no one wants to be around you. Now sit in that chair.” The key purposes of a healthy time-out are to interrupt destructive or inappropriate behavior, give the child the opportunity to calm down, to provide outside safety and control, and to enforce rules about safety and respect.

An example of a healthier use of a time out for a child:

“Wow, you’re really frustrated and need some time to calm down. You need to sit in the other room for a few minutes until we are both sure you can play without hitting someone when you get frustrated. I’ll come back in a few minutes and you can tell me and show me that you are ready to come back and play again.”

The length of a healthy time out should be one minute for each year of age of a child. For instance, a five year old’s maximum time out is five minutes. Parents should gently, but firmly, insist a child move away from any problematic situation to calm down. Parents should be calm and clear that the purpose of the time out is to take a break. In fact, sometimes a parent may not even want to call it a “time-out” if that term means “punishment” to a child. Rather, perhaps, call it “taking a break” or “time to calm down.”

When time outs are done correctly, a child will feel relieved, unashamed, and cared for. The child may still act and feel frustrated or angry, but ultimately, not humiliated, shamed or banished.

A parent may need to physically move a child and/or stay with a child during time out, to comfort, help focus or explain what is needed in order for the child to return to the activity. At the end of the time out, or as soon as a child is ready to apologize or make amends, parents can affirm the child for doing a good job of calming down and getting himself or herself back in control, and for taking appropriate responsibility for his or her actions or behavior.

And sometimes, it may be the parent who needs time out. If a parent is losing control and feels he or she may say or do something that may be less than healthy in a situation, perhaps a parent time out would be helpful. For a parent, the time out may be used to calm down, get clarity on an issue and the proper response, and to refocus on healthy, effective discipline.

Parents Managing Meta-messages

Katie was misbehaving all morning. Her mom, Julie’s patience was now running thin, and it was time for her to do something about Katie’s inappropriate behavior. Before Julie was able to decide what to do, though, Katie burst into the room and began complaining to her mother about a problem she was having with a friend. Julie began to realize that Katie was extremely upset about the situation with her friend, and decided to first listen to Katie and allow her to emote, which will help make an emotional connection, before disciplining her for misbehaving.

As Katie began to complain about her friend, she noticed her mother was obviously perturbed but still seemed to feel comfortable enough to explain what she was feeling. As Julie listened, she made sure to maintain a neutral look on her face and make eye contact with Katie. Julie was sure to be sensitive to her own “non-verbal” communication cues with Katie. This way she would send the right “meta-message” along with healthy active listening skills to forge that emotional connection she was seeking.

Non-verbal communication can account for as much as 70%-80% of actual communication, if we consider the meta-messages a person receives. Meta-messages are the connection between words and non-verbal communication cues that convey actual meaning. If a parent’s non-verbal cues don’t match the words being expressed, children, as well as others, can become very confused. In every conversation there are words, and interpretation of those words, but it is the context in which words are expressed that determines the actual communication.

We express ourselves non-verbally with facial expressions, eye contact, body language and placement, voice tone, volume and rhythm. According to author Jean Illsley Clarke, “emotional meaning is expressed 55% by face, posture and gesture, 38% by tone of voice, and 7% by words.”

Non-verbal cues and messages can be extremely subtle and a person may not even be aware of how he or she is interpreting various non-verbal and verbal cues that are immediately blended and assesed by the mind to formulate messages and true meaning. Intentional healthy communication appreciates non-verbal as well as verbal messages. When communicating with a child, be aware of the meta-messages you may be sending.

Praising Kids – The bigger the better?

When Carly walked into her mother’s bedroom, she had a big smile on her face. She was holding the picture she had painted that day at school and was excited to show her mom.  As her mom, Sharon, turned to greet her, she noticed Carly’s excited demeanor. Carly proudly held up the picture and said, “This is what I made in art today.”

Sharon’s initial reaction was to smile and instinctively she blurted out, “Wow, Carly, what a wonderful picture. You’re an
incredible artist. That must have been the best picture in the whole class.” Carly kept smiling, but was a bit confused. How could her mom know what the others had painted and how their pictures compared? But she knew her mother meant well.

“Thanks, mom,” was all Sharon got out of her daughter then, as Carly spun back around and bounced out of the room. The picture now lay on the bed next to Sharon, as she gazed down at it again. The bright colors and detailed drawings were quite impressive and Sharon then realized how much Carly has grown as an artist. If she only had the chance to tell her that.

Consider that Sharon may have missed an opportunity to use healthy praise to affirm her daughter. Praise can be a tricky tool for parents, as some forms of praise can actually have the opposite affect than intended on children. Like other parenting tools, there are effective and less-than-effective ways to use praise. For many parents, the bigger the adjective, the better the compliment. This is referred to as “global” praise.

But consider that global praise may confuse a child. At times, global praise can make a child doubt the praiser, wondering how such a lofty description can be offered without full information of the situation. As the parent using global praise is trying to connect with the child, the child is not being reached emotionally.

Specific praise is a healthier way to go. Describe what you see, and let a child use that emotional connection to then praise themselves. Through specific description, a parent can describe with appreciation or admiration what he or she sees or feels, which will connect emotionally with the child. This emotional connection will then enable the child to praise herself.

Sharon went back to talk to her daughter with the painting in hand. “The colors of the leaves in the trees are so radiant, Carly. And I see how much time you spent on painting the animals in the background. I can see each of them have ears!” Carly was smiling. “You seem very pleased with your work.”

“Yeah, mom,” Carly answered. “Mrs. Sweeney says I should maybe submit it to the art show. I’ve never had anything in the art show before. That would be kinda cool.” Sharon realized then how specific praise enabled an emotional connection.

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