How Parents Can Avoid Arguing with Teenagers

Parents of teenagers find themselves frequently arguing with their teen. Jared’s mother, Susan, thought she was being clear and firm when she stated, “You need to be home by 10:00.” Her teenage son was already visibly upset. “Why? No one else has to be home by 10:00,” he snorted.

Susan remained calm. “Because it’s a school night,” she explained.

From there the conversation deteriorated. Jared yelled, “I hate you. I wish I had Trevor’s parents. They let him stay out as long as he wants.”

Susan couldn’t help herself and returned, “I don’t care what Trevor’s parents do, I’m the mother and as long as you live in this house you will follow my rules.”

Where did this conversation go wrong? The parent tried to remain calm, clear and direct. The teenage son reacted as many teenagers would in that situation. But somehow there was no emotional connection, no intentional effort to find a way to teach the teen to become more responsible and respectful.

In her book, “Parenting the Teenage Brain,” Professor Sheryl Feinstein points out that parents can expect and even predict that teenagers will be argumentative and perhaps even disrespectful. Understanding what is happening inside the teenage brain can help explain the sometimes uneven or inappropriate reactions of teenagers. Changes taking place in the brain during the teen years increase the likelihood of arguments between teens and parents in two ways. First, the teenager’s increased mental processing demands explanations and reasons for decisions that were just accepted at younger ages. Second, the emotional part of the brain (the limbic system) is in charge during the teenage years, so tears and yelling many times prevail over calmness.

The thinking part of the brain (pre-frontal cortex) is under construction for most of the teenage years. When a parent asks a teen, “What were you thinking?” as it turns out, he or she wasn’t thinking at all! The human brain is not properly equipped during the teen years for problem-solving and logic. The brain is expanding so rapidly during this time, that the connections inside the cortex are incomplete and still forming. In his book, “Yes, Your Teen is Crazy,” Dr. Michael Bradley states that adolescents are temporarily brain-damaged. Brain scans of teenagers indicate that at that age, the human brain looks similar to brain scans of damaged adult brains.

These explanations of teenage brain development do not excuse irresponsible or disrespectful behavior. Parents can be challenged by how much typical teenage attitude should be tolerated, what issues are really worth fighting about, and what kind of discipline is effective. Some level of arguing and challenge by teens is normal. These conflicts can involve minor issues like chores or style of dress, or major issues like sex and drugs. In teen girls, menstrual cycles are associated with increased conflict. The combination of brain development and estrogen levels many times leaves teenage girls moving back and forth between elation and edginess on a daily basis.

Unfortunately, many parents are in constant conflict with their teen. Fights occur more frequently and for longer periods of time. Normal emotional healing rituals of apology and forgiveness may seem especially difficult or even impossible with teens. A poor parent-teen relationship puts the teen at risk for unhealthy behavior or self-medication through alcohol or drugs.

There is hope for parents during the teenage years. Parents can benefit from understanding the value of not arguing with a teen. Stay calm. Teenagers are not as mentally or emotionally mature as adults and the difference is apparent when it comes to arguing. Teens are almost compelled at that age to continue and finish a fight. When an argument arises, a parent can calmly and clearly state his or her views and then just stop. Let your teenager have the last word and walk away.

Active listening can also help connect with a teenager whose thinking brain is still under construction. Active listening is the ability to accept what a teenager is saying, while not necessarily agreeing with him or her. Giving proper time and attention to a teen through active listening will allow him or her to fully process information emotionally before considering logical ways to react. Allowing a teen to fully express emotion to a parent without fear of judgement will help reduce arguments and can help the brain grow and mature with calmness and safe emotional connection.

While the teenage brain is under construction, a parent’s support and influence can help to wire the teen’s cortex to be more responsible and respectful. Parents are still the most influential force in an adolescent’s life. Knowing how to interact and communicate with a teenager who’s brain is experiencing such major development can help parents be more effective and help strengthen the parent-teen relationship.