The Best Way to Set Rules for Children

Many parents struggle to know how to set effective household rules for their children. Rules are long term decisions governing very important areas of family structure. Wise rule making may determine how smoothly a home functions. Household rules are established to hold children accountable and keep them safe. Parents should make rules for teaching purposes in an effort at effective discipline. Rules that are clearly based on teaching a child life’s virtues can also teach responsibility and principles.

Rules provide children with a secure world and teach children about safety and limits. In her book, “Growing Up Again,” author Jean Illsley Clarke points out that consistent limits on behavior, along with teaching responsibility, can help children gain impulse control, self-regulation, and a sense of competency, responsibility and accountability.

When establishing household rules, parents can benefit from the “less is more” philosophy. The power of rules comes from there not being too many. Parents need to create a few basic rules that involve general, broad principles and virtues than to have many rules for each situation. In her book, “kids are worth it,” author Barbara Coloroso says when deciding whether or not to set a rule, parents should ask themselves, “Is it life threatening, morally threatening or unhealthy?” If not, then perhaps a rule may not be necessary or appropriate.

When setting rules, be sure the rule can be made clear to both you and your child. For instance, don’t get sidetracked. Parents can remember catch phrases, such as, “That may be…” or “That is not what we’re talking about now…” to help keep a child focused on a certain topic. Also, it’s best to avoid unassertive rhetorical questions (“Don’t you think it’s time to go to bed?”). And when discussing a rule with a child, parents can use a calm voice and lots of eye contact.

Parents should always assess whether a rule is enforceable and know how to respond if a rule is broken. Not being able to enforce a rule will cause a child to lose trust in a parent and encourage more rebellious or disrespectful behavior. Hold a discussion with your child about the rule and allow for feedback and processing.

There are negotiable and non-negotiable rules. Non-negotiable rules are commands or demands, boundaries or standards that parents insist upon (based on safety, maturity and the needs of the child). Negotiable rules are appropriate to a child’s age, but over time can be modified or adjusted as a child matures or under special circumstances some exceptions are possible.

Rules are most effective when stated in a positive “what is expected” format, rather than a “what not to do” format. A child will be more likely to comply to a rule if the positive action expected is stated, rather than leaving them to figure out what to do after being told what not to do. When a request focuses on what not to do, the child must first think about the undesired behavior, then he or she must cancel out that image and replace it with what is expected. This three step process confuses many children. It’s more effective to let a child know up front what is expected.

Rules can prevent conflict or lessen frequency of arguments and power struggles by establishing clear, consistent, guidelines for how certain things are done. The hope is that eventually certain rules will become second nature for kids and will no longer be questioned. With effective discipline, as children get older they will need less external control and will exhibit more self-control.

Parents Allowing Teenagers to Handle Their Own Problems

Parents should ask themselves four questions when deciding if and when to get involved with the goings-on of their teenager. Psychologist Dr. Thomas W. Phelan suggests that a way to answer the parenting questions,“When do I need to get involved and when do I need to let go?” is for parents and caregivers to consider the following.

How serious is the problem? Some problems are minor but aggravating, and lots of annoying behavior from a teenager is normal. Parents can be in a better position to choose to ignore the situation or perhaps modify the intensity of their response. If a problem seems serious or dangerous, immediate parental intervention may be necessary.

What kind of teenager is this? By understanding a teenager’s temperament and personality, parents and caregivers can better assess how serious a problem may be for that teen. For example, a naturally slow-to-warm, cautious teen who suddenly is taking lots of risks may need a parent to step in.

What kind of relationship do I have with my teenager? When parents and caregivers are fairly confident that their relationship with their teen is authentic and healthy, they can expect that their teen will rely on them if a problem arises. If for some reason, the relationship between parent and teen has been strained or damaged, a parent may need to be more vigilant in watching for serious or dangerous behaviors.

What shape am I in? How stressed am I? When parents and caregivers of teens feel constantly stressed, overwhelmed, disengaged or distracted, they are less likely to understand their teenager. If they have unmet needs, parents and caregivers will find it difficult to have the patience and focus to effectively relate with their teen.

Knowing when to get involved and when to let go will help parents and caregivers provide their teenagers with the self esteem and relationship building that will help them endure the challenges of being a teenager.

Strong Marriage Leads to Healthy Parenting

Building a positive and healthy relationship between parent and child is one that requires work and effort to make it strong and successful. Much of the effort towards effective parenting can be supported with a foundation of a healthy relationship between a child’s mother and father. A strong marriage leads to healthy parenting.

Psychologist John Bradshaw points out that the chief component of the family as a system is the marital partnership. If the marital relationship is healthy and functional, the children have the opportunity to grow. Healthy relationships are mature, which means equal, self-responsible, and mutually supportive. In a healthy relationship, each partner has a commitment to respect and discipline within the relationship.

When a couple in a healthy relationship decide to become parents, they role-model strong relationship behaviors for their children. They readily accept that having children is the most responsible decision of their lives. When such a relationship forms the foundation of a family, each child will have a healthier journey in which to grow and develop. Research on the human brain strongly indicates healthy parenting leads directly to healthy brain development in children.

In addition, the more stable and secure the relationship between parents, the more a child can be different, and develop into his or her own person. As long as mom and dad are getting their needs filled from each other and from other healthy relationships, they will not use their children to fulfill these needs. This allows children to find their own “uniqueness.”

Children of functional parents in a healthy relationship have the chance to grow and have more freedom to explore the journey of self-actualization. These children are not weighed down or burdened by their parents’ frustrated or anxiety-ridden expectations or projections. Healthy marriages will help build a child’s self esteem.

But there are no perfect marital relationships. Mom and dad will inevitably run into conflicts. Handling conflicts in loving, respectful, assertive fashion will role-model for children, as well. Rather than striving for perfection, being intentional about showing respect, consideration and self-control is what building healthy relationships is about.