Parenting Teenagers

Someone once said that parenting teenagers is like “trying to nail jello to a tree”.  Let that image sink in for a moment as you take a deep breath from what may be an exhausting effort to parent a teenager. Parents of teens may face daily rebellious behavior, disrespectful or ungrateful attitude, irresponsible behavior, and a whole list of other phenomena that is all part of raising kids through the teenage years.

Recent studies on the teenage brain attemp to explain (but not excuse) why teens have a difficult time with problem solving and/or decision making. The part of the brain that handles these types of prcesses is way underdeveloped during the teenage years.  Parents will find it very helpful to understand what may be happening inside the teenage brain, to better understand the behaviors and attitudes of a teenager, and to plan healhy parenting strategies to deal with them.

Here’s some information on why “96% of parents experience stress, frustration and confusion during a child’s teenage years.” Here solutions are offered as to specific steps a parent can take to start to turn things around and begin developing a more connected, down-to-earth, win-win relationship with a teen.

Eleven Behaviors to Avoid When Watching Your Child Play Sports

1. Do not mutter nasty criticisms at other players.  This ignites more parent conflict than any other parent behavior.

2. Do not needle the officials or opposing players in order to distract them and interfere with the game.

3. Do not goad other parents into acting inappropriately, and do not join those who do.

4. Do not argue with or respond to the negative comments of poorly behaving fans, especially opposing fans.

5. Do not make angry, loud or profane comments about coaches, players, officials, or other fans.

6. Do not throw objects of any sort.

7. Do not scold or yell at your child, or any child, about poor play during or after a game.

8. Do not try to communicate with the coach during the game. Let the coach concentrate.

9. Do not yell instructions or try to communcate with your child during a game.  Your instructions may confuse or embarass your child and undermine the coach’s authority.

10. There is a difference between a positive cheer and an ear-piercing screech.

11. Do not become a boorish “rule expert.” Refrain from loudly correcting questionable calls by officials.

Source: “The Encyclopedia of Sports Parenting” by Dan Doyle & Deborah Doermann Burch

Ten Guidelines for Establishing Family Ground Rules

Ten Guidelines for Establishing Family Ground Rules

1. Be Moderate. Role model rules

2. Be Specific. Meet specific needs

3. Be positive. Base ground rules on teaching virtues

4. Establish specific, relevant consequences for breaking rules

5. Use consequences that are educative, not punitive, restorative, not retributive

6. Be consistent

7. Communicate rules clearly

8. When giving consequences, make sure to also give reasons

9. Make ground rules non-negotiable

10. Be flexible and revise rules over time.

Source: Linda Kavelin Popov, from the book, “The Family Virtues Guide”

Parenting with Healthy Structure

For children to build their own healthy internal structure and self discipline, they must use the materials offered to them. If they don’t get healthy structure from their parents in the form of consistent and appropriate rules and boundaries, they may become unsure and insecure, perhaps unable to adequately handle life’s challenges. Many will even work on making things look like they’re okay on the outside, but something completely different may be going on inside. They may become rigid and critical inside due to lack of healthy structure given to them while growing up. This may cause inflexibility and sharpness, an inability to make appropriate decisions in challenging or, perhaps, even simple situations. This lack of healthy internal structure may prevent children from taking full account of a situation, their actions and attitudes, others’ needs and their own needs.  (read more)

Effective Discipline – how’s a parent to know?

With the goal of teaching children self-discipline and self-control, parents can appreciate the need for effective tools when teaching responsibility and respect.  In the heat of the moment, though, when the situation may be full of emotion, many parents struggle to know if whatever disciplining tool that is used is helping achieve the goal of self-discipline.

In her book, “kids are worth it,” author Barbara Coloroso explains her philosophy on parenting and effective discipline:

“Kids are worth it.  They have dignity and worth simply because they are.  I will not treat a child in a way I myself would not want to be treated.  The ethic that we should treat others as we ourselves want to be treated and not in a way we ourselves would not want to be treated.  If it works and leaves a child’s own dignity intact, do it.  A serious problem with the many parenting tools that control kids and make them mind is that both parents’ and children’s dignity and sense of self-worth are sacrificed in the name of behavior modification or behavior management.”

Therefore,  when choosing what do do in the heat of the moment, and with the goal of teaching a child and promoting growth, parents will find it most effective to always maintain respect for and the dignity of the child.

Why a certified parenting coach?

What’s the benefit of a certified parenting coach and how can parent coaching help parents be more effective in relationships with children?

Many parents struggle with how to achieve the goals they have in their minds for their children and families. Most parents strive for healthy relationships with their kids, but may be unaware of many effective tools of healthy communication, building self esteem, effective discipline, coping with anger and other emotional outbursts, sibling rivalry, bullying (both physical and relational), and much more.

There is a lot of information available online that may help parents decide what strategies may work for their children, but unfortunately much of the information available misses a huge piece of the puzzle. If a parent feels challenged by something with a child, they may search online for information to increase awareness, but then what tools would be most effective in dealing with day-to-day situations? And more importantly, how does the unique make-up of each child affect how to choose the most effective strategies.

A certified parenting coach can help parents plan effective strategies in dealing with children. Parent coaching is a relatively new field, and parents should make sure they choose a coach who can appropriately assess the most effective strategies for parents, based on the unique nature of each child.

It’s vitally important to understand who a child is, his or her temperament, developmental stage and tasks, maturity level in several different areas, personality and then also how his or her closest relationships have impacted that child to be able to begin considering the most effective strategies. A certified parenting coach can help a parent better understand a child.

Parent coaching must be done is a safe and nurturing environment. A certified parent coach with the proper experience will help a parent be able to process through difficult situations and grow more confident in handling the inevitable challenges with kids. More importantly, a certified parenting coach will give parents the opportunity to practice newly learned skills in a safe environment.

And that’s the secret. The classice Learning Pyramid suggests that practice, practice, practice is one of the best ways to retain new knowledge and incorporate new skills. Practicing in a safe and nurturing environment with a certified parenting coach will empower parents with newly learned information. Once parents become more confident with effective strategies, they will begin to see relationships with children improve, and be able to celebrate the healthy growth in their kids.

Setting Limits for Kids

Many parents struggle with when to set limits for children. Parents need to set limits when a child is not able to set limits for themselves. The child may not be mature enough, developmentally advanced enough, or responsible enough to set his or her own limits and so a parent must then set limits for reasons of health and safety.

Parents need to be aware that limit setting should be done with much thought and consideration, as to avoid power struggles. Many times children don’t understand the logic or reasoning for limits, but research has shown that all children feel safer and much more creative and expressive when limits are understood and consistent.

Setting limits for kids is different than discipline in that when setting limts, parents should not expect a child to really learn much more than where the boundary is or what a rule may be. With effective discipline (using healthy consequences, for instance), a parent should expect that the disciplining tool should promote and encourage learning and growth.

For more information on setting limts, healthy consequences and more, please visit Responsible Kids Network.

It’s important to know who a child is to better understand when to set limits for that child. Help is available from Setting Limits Parenting Coach Marty Wolner.

Free information on setting limits for children and more effective parenting information, resources and feedback in our Effective Parenting Newsletter.

Parenting styles and effective parenting

Parenting Styles and Effective Parenting

Awareness of different parenting styles can help parents better understand the impact this may have on child development. Healthy communication, effective discipline (limit setting, rules, consequences), self-esteem building and so much more of parenting are all affected by parenting styles.

A parenting style results from a confluence of a parent’s temperament, self esteem and learned behavior from family history (parents, grandparents, other family).

In 1966, Research Psychologist Diana Baumrind published her “Prototypical Descriptions of Three Parenting Styles.” These parenting styles have been studied and reconfirmed numerous times by subsequent research. (read more)

© 2008 Marty Wolner, BA, CPE, ICF, PACA