Praising Kids – The bigger the better?

When Carly walked into her mother’s bedroom, she had a big smile on her face. She was holding the picture she had painted that day at school and was excited to show her mom.  As her mom, Sharon, turned to greet her, she noticed Carly’s excited demeanor. Carly proudly held up the picture and said, “This is what I made in art today.”

Sharon’s initial reaction was to smile and instinctively she blurted out, “Wow, Carly, what a wonderful picture. You’re an
incredible artist. That must have been the best picture in the whole class.” Carly kept smiling, but was a bit confused. How could her mom know what the others had painted and how their pictures compared? But she knew her mother meant well.

“Thanks, mom,” was all Sharon got out of her daughter then, as Carly spun back around and bounced out of the room. The picture now lay on the bed next to Sharon, as she gazed down at it again. The bright colors and detailed drawings were quite impressive and Sharon then realized how much Carly has grown as an artist. If she only had the chance to tell her that.

Consider that Sharon may have missed an opportunity to use healthy praise to affirm her daughter. Praise can be a tricky tool for parents, as some forms of praise can actually have the opposite affect than intended on children. Like other parenting tools, there are effective and less-than-effective ways to use praise. For many parents, the bigger the adjective, the better the compliment. This is referred to as “global” praise.

But consider that global praise may confuse a child. At times, global praise can make a child doubt the praiser, wondering how such a lofty description can be offered without full information of the situation. As the parent using global praise is trying to connect with the child, the child is not being reached emotionally.

Specific praise is a healthier way to go. Describe what you see, and let a child use that emotional connection to then praise themselves. Through specific description, a parent can describe with appreciation or admiration what he or she sees or feels, which will connect emotionally with the child. This emotional connection will then enable the child to praise herself.

Sharon went back to talk to her daughter with the painting in hand. “The colors of the leaves in the trees are so radiant, Carly. And I see how much time you spent on painting the animals in the background. I can see each of them have ears!” Carly was smiling. “You seem very pleased with your work.”

“Yeah, mom,” Carly answered. “Mrs. Sweeney says I should maybe submit it to the art show. I’ve never had anything in the art show before. That would be kinda cool.” Sharon realized then how specific praise enabled an emotional connection.

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Mom, I’m tired. You can’t be tired, you just napped…

Adele thought that she was a wonderful parent before she had kids. She was always an “expert” on why the parents she knew were having problems. Then Adele had three children of her own.

Adele realized that raising children can take a parent to the depths of his or her character. Initially, understanding children and what motivates behavior in kids was a mystery to Adele. But she soon learned that the best way to connect with kids and figure out how to motivate them to proper behavior begins with emotional connection. There is a direct connection between how kids feel and how they behave.

Emotional bonding with your kids begins with the most fundamental unit of communication – what Psychologist Dr. John Gottman calls an emotional “bid.” A “bid” can be a question, a gesture, a look or touch, any single expression that says “I want to feel connected to you.” Understanding healthy “bids” for emotional connection is essential to a successful and rewarding parent-child relationship.  A parent needs to analyze his or her style of emotional “bidding” and how he or she responds to a child’s emotional “bidding.”

Connecting with your kids emotionally will strengthen and add power to your relationship. Strong parent-child emotional understanding and bonding can form a healthy foundation for which your kids will benefit in navigating relationships for the rest of their lives.

You may have one now or two when I return…

Delayed gratification is the ability to wait in order to obtain something that one wants. The ability to control impulsiveness is usually considered to be a personality trait which is important for life success.

The marshmallow experiment is a famous test of the concept of delyaed gratification conducted by Walter Mischel at Stanford University. In the 1960s, a group of four-year oldswere given a marshmallow and promised another, only if they could wait 15 minutes before eating the first one. Some children could wait and others could not. They were profiled as “grabbers” or “delayers.”

The researchers then followed the progress of each child into adolescence, and demonstrated that those with the ability to wait were better adjusted and more dependable (determined via surveys of their parents and teachers), and scored an average of 210 points higher on the Scholastic Aptitude Test (SAT).

The experiment has been done over and over again over the years by Mischel and others. The results are similar and indicate a strong connection between delaying gratification and success in all areas of life.

 

Did my pleasant, easy-going child disappear?

Ethan’s mother, Susan, told me that he was always such an happy-go-lucky, easy going kid; that is until shortly after his 7th birthday. It was at this time that she became worried after watching him become very critical of himself in situations where he had previously displayed confidence.

He seemed to now take comments from his friends a lot differently, too, allowing simple teases to change his mood drastically. Susan was worried that he was becoming a defensive child and seemed concerned he would develop a “chip on his shoulder” and perhaps have difficulties with relationships.

After sharing with her some different insights on child development, Susan was relieved to find out about some work done by Dr. Arnold Gesell (Ph.D., M.D.) and the Gesell Institute. As it turns out, much of Ethan’s behavior was typical of 7-year olds and with healthy authoritative parenting, Ethan can learn to better understand his feelings, and decide how to receive and respond to negative comments from others.

Gesell’s research indicates that as children grow, they all go through similar developmental stages, although maybe at different rates. At similar ages, children will go through periods of equilibrium and disequilibrium, which will affect mood and behavior.

Parenting – Balancing between work and family

“The trouble with the rat race is that, even if you win, you’re still a rat.” (Comedian Lily Tomlin)

While many of us struggle to find enough hours in the day to devote to both work and family, the ongoing challenge is to figure out how to be productive at work and still have healthy emotional bonding with family at home. It’s hardly easy and each day sometimes brings additional challenges. Work may come with its own stress, but parenting can be exhausting and stressful at times, too, more so for some than others. A parent who is organized and focused enough to give the time and priority of finding the proper “balance” between work and family.

Responsible Kids Network offers a FREE Parenting e-book for you to download, “Balance Your Life – The Complete Guide to Balancing Work and Family.”

Be productive at work AND keep those home fires burning!

Limit Setting for Kids

While in the “executive” role of parenting, parents often find themselves having to set limits for a child to promote health and safety. Parents should be aware that parental limit setting is needed when a child cannot set limits for themselves. With healthy limit setting, children feel safe and can be more creative and communicative, and find a healthier environment to grow. In the book, Growing Up Again, authors Jean Illsley Clarke and Connie Dawson discuss that without healthy limits children feel “wary and insecure.” They could become “reckless and uncaring about their welfare.”

But setting limits that are too strict can be unhealthy as well. If parents set limits are too restricting, children will over adapt and become passive, or demand attention with rebellious behavior.

When healthy limits are set for them, children learn gradually to set their own limits, to value themselves. Healthy limiting setting builds self esteem. This way children get stimulation and recognition in safe and healthy ways.

Parenting Teenagers

Someone once said that parenting teenagers is like “trying to nail jello to a tree”.  Let that image sink in for a moment as you take a deep breath from what may be an exhausting effort to parent a teenager. Parents of teens may face daily rebellious behavior, disrespectful or ungrateful attitude, irresponsible behavior, and a whole list of other phenomena that is all part of raising kids through the teenage years.

Recent studies on the teenage brain attemp to explain (but not excuse) why teens have a difficult time with problem solving and/or decision making. The part of the brain that handles these types of prcesses is way underdeveloped during the teenage years.  Parents will find it very helpful to understand what may be happening inside the teenage brain, to better understand the behaviors and attitudes of a teenager, and to plan healhy parenting strategies to deal with them.

Here’s information on why “96% of parents experience stress, frustration and confusion during a child’s teenage years.” Here solutions are offered as to specific steps a parent can take to start to turn things around and begin developing a more connected, down-to-earth, win-win relationship with a teen.

Eleven Behaviors to Avoid When Watching Your Child Play Sports

1. Do not mutter nasty criticisms at other players.  This ignites more parent conflict than any other parent behavior.

2. Do not needle the officials or opposing players in order to distract them and interfere with the game.

3. Do not goad other parents into acting inappropriately, and do not join those who do.

4. Do not argue with or respond to the negative comments of poorly behaving fans, especially opposing fans.

5. Do not make angry, loud or profane comments about coaches, players, officials, or other fans.

6. Do not throw objects of any sort.

7. Do not scold or yell at your child, or any child, about poor play during or after a game.

8. Do not try to communicate with the coach during the game. Let the coach concentrate.

9. Do not yell instructions or try to communcate with your child during a game.  Your instructions may confuse or embarass your child and undermine the coach’s authority.

10. There is a difference between a positive cheer and an ear-piercing screech.

11. Do not become a boorish “rule expert.” Refrain from loudly correcting questionable calls by officials.

Source: “The Encyclopedia of Sports Parenting” by Dan Doyle & Deborah Doermann Burch

Ten Guidelines for Establishing Family Ground Rules

Ten Guidelines for Establishing Family Ground Rules

1. Be Moderate. Role model rules

2. Be Specific. Meet specific needs

3. Be positive. Base ground rules on teaching virtues

4. Establish specific, relevant consequences for breaking rules

5. Use consequences that are educative, not punitive, restorative, not retributive

6. Be consistent

7. Communicate rules clearly

8. When giving consequences, make sure to also give reasons

9. Make ground rules non-negotiable

10. Be flexible and revise rules over time.

Source: Linda Kavelin Popov, from the book, “The Family Virtues Guide”

Parenting with Healthy Structure

For children to build their own healthy internal structure and self discipline, they must use the materials offered to them. If they don’t get healthy structure from their parents in the form of consistent and appropriate rules and boundaries, they may become unsure and insecure, perhaps unable to adequately handle life’s challenges. Many will even work on making things look like they’re okay on the outside, but something completely different may be going on inside. They may become rigid and critical inside due to lack of healthy structure given to them while growing up. This may cause inflexibility and sharpness, an inability to make appropriate decisions in challenging or, perhaps, even simple situations. This lack of healthy internal structure may prevent children from taking full account of a situation, their actions and attitudes, others’ needs and their own needs.  (read more)