Parenting with Healthy Structure

For children to build their own healthy internal structure and self discipline, they must use the materials offered to them. If they don’t get healthy structure from their parents in the form of consistent and appropriate rules and boundaries, they may become unsure and insecure, perhaps unable to adequately handle life’s challenges. Many will even work on making things look like they’re okay on the outside, but something completely different may be going on inside. They may become rigid and critical inside due to lack of healthy structure given to them while growing up. This may cause inflexibility and sharpness, an inability to make appropriate decisions in challenging or, perhaps, even simple situations. This lack of inner healthy structure may prevent children from taking full account of a situation, their actions and attitudes, others’ needs and their own needs.

According to Parenting Educator and author Jean Illsley Clarke, there are six basic ways parents offer, or fail to offer, structure to their children. The six ways fall on a continuum from most strict to least strict. They are Rigidity, Criticism, Non-negotiable rules, Negotiable rules, Marshamallow, and Abandonment. To understand and better navigate these ways, it’s helpful for parents to picture themselves driving a parenting vehicle down Clarke’s six lane “structure highway”. The far left lane (Rigidity) is most strict and the far right lane (Abandonment) is least strict. It’s the two center lanes, Non-negotiable rules and Negotiable rules, that offer healthy structure appropriate to the child’s age and development.

Rigidity is the most strict. In the rigid position, the rule is more important than the child and enforced without regard to the child’s needs or the impact to the relationship between parent and child. Criticism may be a bit more flexible than rigidity, but it involves ridicule, shaming, name-calling, labeling, and gradiosity, and strongly suggests how the child can fail. Appropriate Non-negotiable rules tell children what to do to be safe and successful. These rules are made for the child’s welfare (not the parent’s needs) and are routinely and consistently enforced. Appropriate Negotiable rules teach children how to think and be responsible. Starting in small ways when children are young and expanding as children grow, the process of negotiating rules teaches children what to consider as they learn to set their own boundaries and build their own internal structures. Marshmallow parenting patronizes or gives in to the demands of a child. It teaches a child that consistent rules are not necessary and have little value, and prevents a child from becoming capable in various situations. Abandonment occurs when parents fail to make and enforce rules to protect children, or help children learn skills appropriate to their ages.

For more information on understanding your child and what is healthy structure, please visit ResponsibleKids.net

Source: “Growing Up Again” Jean Illsley Clarke & Connie Dawson